Last Updated: February 3, 2023

Sweet, Sweet Consent.

Consent is a critical component of sexual play that is dependent on honest, mutual communication and respect for boundaries, especially when it comes to risky sexual behavior. A group that understands the nuances of consent and focuses on “safe, sane, and consensual” behavior is the BDSM/Kink community. BDSM involves a variety of erotic practices and stands for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism, whereas kink is non-conventional sexual practice or fantasies. Because these behaviors often involve physical and/or psychological risk, consensual communication is the foundation of these practices. Communication about consent involves “negotiation” about what will and won’t occur in a “scene,” or an erotic encounter, before any play occurs and continued verbal and non-verbal communication. Even if you aren’t planning on getting kinky or visiting a dungeon, you can still learn lessons on practicing consent from how BDSM/kink negotiations, or what we will call “mutual consent agreements,” are established.

Why Should You Care About Mutual Consent Agreements?
A mutual agreement is a process by which boundaries, activities, and parties involved in a sexual encounter are mutually and openly discussed and agreed upon before engaging in play. In other words, mutual consent agreements help establish and maintain consent! Think of a mutual consent agreement as an agreed-upon menu of sexual acts and how you may “bring them to the table” during the experience. Besides the need for consent, everything else in a sexual encounter can be up for interpretation, so a mutual consent agreement allows you to come to a consensus about expectations, intentions, and safety (Devon & Miller, 1995). It’s better to set a precedent for open communication earlier on than to try to establish communication in the middle of the experience or to violate someone’s boundaries because they weren’t discussed (Harris, 2018). By the time you may need to give your partner(s) guidance, communication has already been established and they have an idea of where to start (Harris, 2018). If you clearly communicate your needs and desires, you’ll be more present because you won’t be worried about your partner predicting what you want or be distracted by them doing something you don’t like (Devon & Miller,1995). When you know what your partner(s) want(s), you can focus on their pleasure rather than worry about reading their mind.

Basics of Communication in Mutual Consent Agreements
Before getting into the how-tos of mutual consent agreements, let’s cover some of the basics. First, when discussing with your partner(s) about what they do and don’t want out of sexual activity, listen carefully! People may have a hard time saying what they really mean, especially when it comes to sex. If someone isn’t clear, gently ask for clarification until you fully understand, and reflect back what you heard to make sure you have it right. It’s best to approach sexual topics with an open mind, a desire to understand, and a willingness to accept what your partner(s) is/are into even if you aren’t into it yourself (Devon & Miller, 1995). This doesn’t mean you should accept non-consensual behavior and it certainly doesn’t mean you should do anything that you do not freely and enthusiastically want to do; it means that you should listen without judgment and respect that we all like different things, which is good! The BDSM respect rule is this: Don’t yuck someone’s yum, and don’t judge someone’s hard limits. Lastly, opening up about intimate topics is hard, so when establishing consent, give yourself and your partner(s) credit and show gratitude!

When Possible, Discuss Beforehand!
Arousal can cloud your judgement, and once you’re already naked or in the middle of an act, there can be pressure to rush through a discussion (Harris, 2015). To make sure you cover all of your bases, it’s always best to have a thorough conversation to establish a mutual agreement before beginning any play. Although you should continue to check in for consent throughout the encounter, establishing an agreement beforehand allows you to know what to do to make an encounter as enjoyable as possible while reducing the risk of doing something a partner dislikes or violating their consent (Harris, 2015).

Have an Inventory in Mind and Use It!
In the kink/BDSM play “negotiation,” kink inventories are often used. Although you may not be planning on engaging in kinky behavior, a yes/no/maybe list of potential sexual behaviors and situations can be very helpful in establishing your menu for the evening. Not only does it help you cover your bases as far as possible behaviors, it may even get some creative juices flowing and spark new ideas for play! An example of a yes/no/maybe list is our Informed Consent Agreement Checklist (see below) that you can use as a template to create your own! One way to do this is to each fill out a list and compare responses, or you can go through the list together. Mutual yeses can be an easy place to start, but it’s also valuable to talk about maybes and noes; not to change minds but to understand how someone feels about certain activities (Harris, 2018). For mutual yeses you should establish what is meant by all parties, how long or intense play will be, and when and where it will occur. It can also be useful to find out if any activities are always yeses that don’t require explicit permission or if you should always check in first (Harris, 2018).

Likes, Boundaries, and Hard Limits
When coming to a mutual consent agreement, you and your partner(s) should discuss not only what you would like to do, but also what things you don’t want to do, things that are absolutely not okay to do, and what the limits are to what you want to do. For example, you may want to have sex and like being spanked, but only lightly, and you might not want to be choked and draw hard limits at face slapping. This builds the basis of what will happen in the “scene” and what the boundaries of consent are for all those involved (Harris, 2018). It’s important for everyone involved to be familiar with what their “yeses and noes” are. It helps to practice emotional and physical awareness of when you like, dislike, or are uncomfortable with something. We often “don’t know what we don’t know,” or don’t think about, so a yes/no/maybe list can be used to jog our memory and make us aware of our “yucks” and “yums.”

Likes
Likes are the things that you need, want, expect, and desire in sexual encounters. They’re also what turns you on, what roles you like, and what feelings you want to have. Likes are your yeses, but they can also be maybes, like when you like something, but only in certain circumstances.

Boundaries
It’s also important to think about things you don’t want to do, called boundaries or limits. Limits include things you don’t like being called, places or ways you don’t like to be touched, situations you don’t like to play in, or ways you don’t want to feel (Harris, 2018). People have limits you might not expect, so make sure your partner(s) explicitly express(es) their limits to you so emotional or physical boundaries aren’t crossed, and find out what to do in case this accidentally occurs. You can clearly establish a boundary by coupling it with a request, allowing you to establish a mutual activity while making it clear how far you’d like to go (Harris, 2018). For example, you can say that you like to be kissed but not on the neck. When you communicate limits about how you feel, make sure you express what sexual acts make you feel that way, and when discussing limits always make sure your partner(s) is/are listening and understand!

Hard Limits
Hard limits are boundaries that you always maintain, or things past your limits that you would never do. While your limits may change day to day, hard limits tend to stay stable and should never be pushed or tested by anyone other than yourself (Harris, 2018). Things you may have hard limits around include: parts of your body you never want touched, language you aren’t comfortable with like names, body part names, humilation etc., what sex acts you do, what bodily fluids are okay, pain, or breaking the skin.

Saying and Hearing a “No” Gracefully
A common BDSM saying is: “if you can’t trust someone’s no, you can’t trust their yes” (Harris, 2018). When your partner(s) can confidently say no to you, you can be more confident that when they say yes that they enthusiastically mean it (Harris, 2018). You can feel more confident in asking to do more adventurous things when you can trust your partner’s “no” because you can trust that they would only say yes if they really want to and would stop things if they don’t (Harris, 2018). You also want a partner who takes rejection well; it’s a sign that they will respect your boundaries. Partners who aren’t afraid of rejection also aren’t afraid of asking for what they want and saying no themselves (Harris, 2018). How do we gracefully give and receive noes? To give a good no, it’s important to be clear and specific, and remain gentle, but firm. When turning down a suggestion, it can also be helpful to follow up with the next one to keep decision-making a shared responsibility (Harris, 2018). We can get better at rejection and hearing noes by increasing our understanding of the intense feelings we experience when rejected, acknowledging them, and allowing them to pass.

If you discover in your sexual consent discussion that you and your partner(s) may not be a good match, it may be best that you gracefully agree to call it quits. Another sign to call it quits is if the conversation ever feels coercive or like an argument; these are signs that these are not the people you want to play with. You only want to “play with people who want to hear your limits as much as they want to hear your desires” (Harris, 2018, p. 321).

What to Do With a Maybe
In kink and BDSM, a “maybe” is a no, or at least a no for right now, and this is how it looks in any consensual sexual encounter (Harris, 2018). A “maybe” is an opportunity for both parties to spend more time thinking and discussing, but whatever is on the table shouldn’t be tried until all parties have provided a freely-given yes (Harris, 2018).

Discuss Safety and Special Concerns
As you can tell from the BDSM safe, sane,and consensual motto, safety in sex is necessary. Even if you aren’t engaging in this type of play, you should still consider safety concerns. You and your partner(s) should discuss potential risks and limitations about what play you all want to occur. Does anyone have a medical issue that could arise, like asthma that may be triggered by an intense scene? Does the person ever faint, have seizures, or get low blood sugar? Does anyone have physical limitations, like a bad ankle or perhaps stamina issues? These are all important considerations. This discussion allows you to figure out ways to modify play so that everyone feels honored and comfortable.

When it comes to sexual safety and putting the informed in consent, it’s important to have a discussion about sexual health and what, if any, safer sex practices you will engage in. Although this may feel uncomfortable and you may have the urge to rush through this talk or skip it altogether, this is the most foundational part of the sexual discussion! Having these conversations upfront not only can help you see if you and your partner(s) are a good match, but help increase safety and set a tone for honesty and transparency from the get-go. Starting with this conversation also makes sure you don’t back out of it or forget to have it and risk harm!

Here are some helpful tips from Harris (2018) to help make this talk flow: (1) use a casual and natural tone of voice; (2) frame this convo by making it clear that sexual activity is important to you; (3) have a solid idea about what you want to talk about before you launch into the chat; (4) share information about yourself first and then ask your partner(s) to reciprocate; and (5) at the end you can share one practice you like and one you don’t to transition to the rest of your mutual consent agreement talk. Once you’ve gotten through the “scary” part of discussing sex, it will feel easiler to talk about the type of sex you’d like to have! For more information on how to improve your safer sex conversation skills, check out this article.

Consider Establishing Safe Words
A safe word is used in BDSM because it provides a way to stop play if someone revokes consent or is physically or emotionally harmed during a scene. It’s essential because BDSM can be risky, but establishing a safe word with your partner(s) can be helpful even if you aren’t engaging in this type of play. Safe words should be discussed, agreed upon, and practiced (to make it easier to say when you need it) before you begin any sexual activity. If your play won’t involve restraints, gagging, impact play, power play, rough play, etc., a “no” and/or “stop” could suffice, but a safe word can be an extra precaution to immediately stop or slow down whatever is occurring (Devon & Miller, 1995). This is especially useful for role play where you may resist as part of a scene. A good safe word is explicit, clear, and unique so it’s easily recognized and remembered. Words to stop everything and words to slow down are usually discussed. The traffic light system is commonly used to accomplish these goals: green means go or continue, yellow means slow down or use less intensity, and red means stop immediately.

Non-verbal cues are also important to pay attention to, especially when pain and pleasure are mixed in sex. It’s good to ask what someone’s reactions of pleasure, discomfort, and pain are before play. When a cue is unclear, like if someone’s face is scrunched up or they’re having trouble forming words, it’s best to check in to be sure. Signs of discomfort include moving away, flinching, or curling up. It can be a good sign, but not always, that someone is enjoying an act if their body language opens up to allow more access to their body (Harris, 2018). Even if a safe word isn’t said, a person may be uncomfortable, so pay attention to physical responses. Because it can be hard to say a safeword during intense moments, it can be useful to agree upon and practice clear non-verbal signals. Examples include stomping, pinching in a pattern, dropping an object, shaking your head, or squeezing a partner’s leg repeatedly. Non-verbal signals can be especially helpful if someone is gagged or if the space is loud, and can also be very helpful if substance use is involved as an extra safety precaution.

Think about Tone & Pace
When coming to a mutual consent agreement, think about the tone and pace you want for your encounter. Do you want play to be rough and hard, gentle and soft, or somewhere in between? Do you want things to move slow, or do you like it hot and heavy? It’s important to see if everyone is on the same page with compatible wants and needs. If not, someone could be disappointed or possibly hurt if you follow through without finding a middle ground (Harris, 2018). The goal is to set a tone and pace that works for all parties involved. If a middle ground can’t be established or isn’t desired, it’s best to agree that it isn’t the best match and to opt out at that time (Harris, 2018).

Negotiation and Substance Use
If you are going to mix substances with sexual activity, it’s important to take certain precautions before you hit the sheets. Mutual consent agreements should ideally* be made sober and include a discussion about if alcohol or other drugs will be used. Substance use should be explicitly agreed upon by everyone involved, so if you want to take MDMA but your partner only wants to play with someone who is sober, you’ll need to forgo your roll or sex with each other. If you and/or your partner(s) plan to consume substances, it’s important to know yourself and your limits, and plan in advance how much you plan to take. It’s also important to consider how certain substances influence the body’s relationship to pain and can potentially make rough play risky. Although dulling pain may feel great in the moment, you could end up with more bruises than you bargained for or injury if you aren’t mindful of your body’s limits (Harris, 2018). For this reason, it’s extra important to use safe words, non-verbal signals, and check-in’s during sex on substances.

*Note: DanceSafe recognizes that while it may be ideal to be sober while establishing a mutual consent agreement, this will not be the case 100% of the time. For the sake of providing optimal education, we will be focusing on the process of establishing mutual consent agreements in this article and will cover the nuance of sex on drugs in future #WeLoveConsent materials. Stay tuned.

Stick to the Mutual Agreement (As Best You Can)!
When it comes to sexual risk, it’s always best to stick with what you and your partner(s) have established as a mutual agreement and not add anything new when you start to get down to business. You can always change your mind at any point and say no to something you agreed to, and it’s best to stick to acts and intensity you’ve agreed to without increasing or adding anything. This is because we can get lost in the heat of the moment and say yes to things we normally wouldn’t when we aren’t in the throes of passion, pleasure, or pain. When this happens we can go further than we wanted or intended to, especially when substances are involved. You want everyone to have the best possible time, so to reduce risk and maximize pleasure, stick to your plan!

Importance of Checking In: Consent isn’t Reached at an Agreement, It’s Ongoing!
Just like emotions change and situations change, sex changes too, so you can’t have one conversation and think that you have reached a permanent agreement; sex will always need to be “renegotiated” just like our needs and desires (Harris, 2018). In other words, consent is ongoing and needs to be re-established through check-ins after a mutual consent agreement is made. After you’ve reached an agreement you can change your mind, do less, slow down, take a break, or stop completely. You may feel wary about speaking up if you dont like something because you’re scared it will end the encounter, but sex isn’t all-or-nothing! If you try something and don’t like it, express yourself and try something else; it’s not the end of play, it’s just the end of the act (Harris, 2018). Check-ins not only make sure everyone is safe and comfortable, they enhance the experience. With a check-in you can assess if your partner is enjoying themself and if any changes need to be made to maximize comfort and pleasure. Not only this, but communication itself is hot! Here are some tips for smooth and sexy check-in’s:

• Similar to substance use, when it comes to sex, it’s helpful to start with less intensity and work your way up as you check-in with your partner(s). This gives everyone time to process what’s happening and to speak up if they want anything changed (Harris, 2018). Going slow also builds anticipation, which can enhance excitement and pleasure!
• Open-ended questions for check-ins help you get more info and reduce the risk of unintentionally pressuring someone to respond in a certain way. Ex. What would make this feel better for you?
• Giving options can also be helpful in the heat of the moment when thinking may be fuzzy and can enhance the experience when we pay close attention to needs and desires of others. Ex. Would you like to slow down or stop?
• Scaling questions are useful as well: you can ask how good something feels on a scale of 1-10, change what you are doing (or not!) based on the response, and check back in to see if this change made things better or worse (Harris, 2018).
• Asking questions can be sexy, keep dirty talk going, and allow you to sneak in some extra check-ins. If you couch requests or questions in compliments or dirty talk, they flow with the mood of what’s going on and improve how they’re received (Harris, 2018). Ex. I love it when you bite my ear, can you do that again?
• Because we can be worried that asking for something can hurt another person, it’s really important to show gratitude to our partner(s) for giving us feedback; this encourages open communication (Harris, 2018). Ex. It’s so hot when you tell me what I’m doing is turning you on!

Discuss What to Do if Consent is Violated
Even with the best intentions, clear communication, check-ins, and mutual informed consent, accidents happen and boundaries can be crossed. With this said, boundaries can also be crossed when negligent mistakes are made or worse, intentionally. It is important to discuss with your partner(s) what you will do if a boundary is crossed, including both unintentionally and intentionally. This discussion should include an agreement on how you would like the boundary violation to be addressed: In the moment or after pausing play and taking a break to process? As a group or between the offending party and the individual whose consent was violated? Based on the impacted individual’s choice in the moment or in an agreed upon process? Regardless of what is decided, it is important to center the perspective and safety of the person whose consent is violated! The goal is to discern why a boundary was crossed and figure out a way to correct any damage done within your capacity to do so.

Don’t Forget About Aftercare
Don’t forget to agree on what aftercare will occur after you play! Aftercare is the attention you give to your partner(s) after sexual activity to reduce mental or physical harm. Aftercare may include hydration and nourishment, physical comfort, or emotional reassurance. Everyone’s aftercare needs should be discussed before play because a mismatch in needs or expectations can lead to hurt feelings or needs being unmet (Harris, 2015). Some people may only need a few minutes to process after an intense experience, while others may want a night to cuddle (Harris, 2015). When you and your partner(s) discuss aftercare needs, consider the frequency and type of contact you would like afterwards, both as immediate aftercare and check-ins. When the afterglow has worn off a few days later, it’s also helpful to talk about how everyone felt about what happened. Make sure everyone has opted into this talk first – don’t surprise anyone with it! It helps to start with the positive, then move to what didn’t work and what you wouldn’t do again, and if you want to play again, make a plan for next time incorporating these changes (Harris, 2018). Check out this article for more on aftercare.

Conclusion
Although you might want to rush into play in the heat of the moment, when you establish a mutual consent agreement before sexual play, “any loss in spontaneity is more than made up for in anticipation” (Devon & Miller, 1995, p. 51). Establishing consent with your partner(s) not only keeps everyone safe and happy but also can be sexy in and of itself; questions when discussing consent can be part of flirting and foreplay, and knowing what you can look forward to is a turn on. Once you know what everyone wants and what their limits are, you can free yourself up to focusing on bringing each other pleasure!

Sources

• https://www.kinkly.com/a-step-by-step-guide-to-negotiating-consent/2/17089
• https://www.evilmonk.org/a/wiseman10.cfm
• https://www.kinkly.com/2/1194/sex-tips/bdsm/the-basics-of-bdsm-negotation – Stella Harris,  May 13, 2015

• Harris, Stella. (2018). Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships. Cleis Press: Jersey City, NJ. Print. 
• Miller, Philip., & Devon, Molly. (1995) Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism. 
• BDSM Wiki